the fucking truth...

sometimes...i feel like everyone is laughing at me. Not the good kind. i try to brush it off. It becomes even harder when i think its my own friends. As close as some of them seem. I just cant help it. i dont know whats wrong with me. i can take the littlest joke and turn it into something serious. i dont understand. I get so envious at everyone who has loving parents. A mother and a father who loves them and shows them things a mother and father should show to their kids. different life lessons. how to stand up to bullies. that type of stuff. one of my friends is lucky to enough to have TWO loving fathers who are amazing. Not to mention his mother. All i have is my mother who is so far away. when i was young i dindt get much of that. instead of teaching me how to deal with bullies, he decided to beat us instead, confusing me. i didn't know who i was supposed to be defending myself against. the bullies at school, or the one at home.
sometimes i just think...why me?why is it me that has to go through this.? i never did anything wrong. Why did i deserve a father and mother who drank? Its his fault why we are at this point. All his fault. He spitefully took us away from our mother, causing her to become a drunk. Why the fuck did you take us if you were gonna treat us like shit? sometimes i cant believe the situation im in. he hurt me, he hurt my brother, he hurt my mom, and he expects me to give him respect? FUCK YOU.
He took away so many things from my childhood. im shy, i dont have much confidence in myself, i barely know how to stand up for myself and im a socially awkward penguin...
As much as certain people think they know everything, they dont. and i hate when they say they do. unless i TELL you, or if you ask, you well NeVER know. I dont have the worst life in the world, but i dont have the best either.i dont want a shrink. I just want a friend.
im trying. im really trying. my life will actually begin when i move out. It WILL happen. Maybe sooner than later. IM almost sure around the day im finally out of his clutches, im gonna curse him out. and this time im not gonna hold anything back. its happened before but not as much cause i could get kicked out sooner. i mean he tried to do it before. i bet he thinks all this is my fault.
im just glad i have my friends though. I see them as family and i couldnt live without them. All i know is, im not much of a fighter, but if someone trys to hurt one of my friends...i  might not care about not going to jail anymore. i feel like if someone did or tried to do something to them, i might not be able to hold my anger back anymore. Part of me wants to protect them. the other part knows that they need to live their own lives.
i need to get rid of this weight. if i can just get a damn job, i can get new and better cloths. maybe my confidence would go up as well.
I swear im cursed or somethin. Iv got the greatest father in the world.... iv got the greatest luck at looking for work, we actually got into a car crash on my birthday....it just so happens 10,000 or so people died on my birthday and now on my 21st birthday...im pretty sure he is gonna kick me out. hurray. wont even wait for me to finish college. he doesn't care.
im not exaggerating when i say he is a selfish ass who is nuthin but a bastard...he only cares about himself and always puts him self first. im just so tired of it. of all of it. when will i be able to learn the things i need to learn to move on? when?
ill just try and keep my head up.ill keep smiling...kinda, ill keep laughing, ill keep trying to think optimistically. But the real truth is...inside...im really sad...and broken.